In Proverbs 13:12 it says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life"
There were times in these last 5 years that I wondered if a longing would ever be fulfilled. I was too acquainted with hope deferred. I knew heartsickness. It seemed like one desire after another was awakened to be left unanswered. It hurt to awaken desire. Sometimes the disappointment was unbearable. In the midst of the struggles, my faith was tested like never before. Doubts that were hiding in my heart rose up to the surface. What did I really believe about God? What did I believe about how God felt towards me? Why did one longing after another go unfulfilled? Was it possible that a tree of life would ever emerge in my life? Was God holding out on me? I thought He wanted to give me the desires of my heart.
There were times I felt like I was fighting for my life, not in the physical, but in the spiritual. I came so close to giving up. Prayer after prayer left unanswered, or on hold, the ground was shaky. Would my faith hold strong? How do you continue to pray when it feels like you call God up, He has caller ID, He sees it's you and doesn't answer? How do you pick up the phone and call again? And what do you do with the verses that say things like "God delights in giving good gifts to His children"?
Why was I asking for these good, godly things that I my heart ached for to have Him say no? Did that mean I wasn't His daughter?
Somehow in the middle of the battles I found that mustard seed of faith to hang on and believe He was good, even when I could not see.
He came for me. He rescued me out. He spoke tenderly to me of His faithfulness. He asked me to wait, to trust Him, to find Him to be enough. It was about my heart. It was about Him.
Could I trust Him, even when longings were left unfulfilled? Could I still find Him good?
As I look back now, I am grateful that He waited. As hard as it was to be in that suspended place, as painful as the heartsickness was, I am glad He waited. I see so clearly now. Had He given those things I longed for at the time I had asked, it would have cost me, greatly. You see so much of my value was tied up into having those desires met. They weren't bad desires. They were good and godly. It wasn't the desires that were bad, but the motives behind seeking them. They would have become a crutch to me, giving me value, dependency, security and fulfillment.
He knew that. He couldn't give them to me. He loved me too much. He wanted me to take refuge in Him. He wanted to give me value. He wanted to weed out anything that I would depend on. He wanted me to be able to enjoy them, not need them. There is a difference.
I should not need anything but Him. He should be enough.
A much awaited longing was given to me today. It is so much richer, now. Because of the "not yet, I no longer need them to give me value. It is now, it can be a tree of life. So this is what that verse was talking about. How sweet is His love for me. Another sighting of God for my heart. How it must have hurt Him to watch me hurt, and doubt Him. All the while He was protecting me when I thought He had forgotten me. Oh, Papa, forgive me. I see now. It was love that made you wait. You never forgot me. You were protecting me. Thank you Papa, that you waited. Thank you for your great love.
Oh the riches of His great love
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
Be blessed,
Jewelz
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
They say this is a MeMe
I have been included in a new game of tag entitled "MeMe". I was tagged by God's Work In Progress So, what follows will be totally random and useless information, though I hope it makes you smile . . . .
The rules for this meme are: (1) Link to the person that tagged you. (2) Post the rules on your blog. (3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. (4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. (5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
1. I hate seafood, all kinds. I have tried everything you can imagine from clams to shrimp to lobster to fish, cooked all different ways. I cannot tell you how many people have said to me that "if you just had it cooked like____________ you would love it." I don't love it, no matter how it is cooked, in fact I hate it.
2. I flew on my first airplane ride when I was 47 years ago (that was 3 years ago) to the Captivating retreat in Colorado. It wasn't that I refused to fly, it just never happened. I am not a big fan of flying....but I can now say I've done it.
3. I love mentoring younger women. It is what my heart beats for. It brings life to me. I am grateful for the things that God has taught me through my mistakes, trials, circumstances and heartache. I am so encouraged when I get to tell another.
I lived in a religious mindset for so many years that I am grateful that God has seen fit to break me free from the mold of religion. I have found a deep, intimate, passionate relationship with Him that has rocked my world. I am ruined for the ordinary.
4. I love the drums and have a djembe (gym-bay) drum that I have yet to learn to play. The girls in the Bible study group that I taught bought it for me. It is one of my desires to learn to play it, but I just don't have a clue where to start. I always wanted to be like Karen Carpenter and play the whole drum set. Maybe I'll be on the drums in heaven.
5. I like peanut butter and mayonaise sandwiches when I eat Chicken Noodle soup. I know it sounds quirky and my husband thinks it is gross, but you can't judge it until you try it. My mom taught me to eat them and I do love them. When not eating peanut butter my 2nd favorite thing on a peanut butter sandwich is potato chips. I know weird!
6. I love to dance. There is nothing more fun to me that getting out on the dance floor at a wedding with all the college kids and dancing the night away. Or better yet at the end of our women's retreat, pumping up the sound on the cd player and dancing with the women I have cried with, laughed with and played with. There's nothing like dancing with God to set your heart free.
Now I will tag some others:
Keep on Believing Bev is one of my new blogging friends. I am so grateful to find her.
The Morris Family Holly is a new friend and new blogger. I have been enjoying getting to know her.
2nd Cup of Coffee I just met Linda, but I think she is so funny and hip that I had to include her in the tag.
Karen's Ramblings I just met Karen a couple of days ago and she has been on a DTS with YWAM, like my daughter. She is one of the few people I have met who knows where Cuckfield, England is.
Girlfriends In God I just met Patty last week when I joined her "God Stop" Friday.
I know I was supposed to pick 6 people, but since I am new to blog world I am still getting to know people.
Blessings,
Jewelz
The rules for this meme are: (1) Link to the person that tagged you. (2) Post the rules on your blog. (3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. (4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. (5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
1. I hate seafood, all kinds. I have tried everything you can imagine from clams to shrimp to lobster to fish, cooked all different ways. I cannot tell you how many people have said to me that "if you just had it cooked like____________ you would love it." I don't love it, no matter how it is cooked, in fact I hate it.
2. I flew on my first airplane ride when I was 47 years ago (that was 3 years ago) to the Captivating retreat in Colorado. It wasn't that I refused to fly, it just never happened. I am not a big fan of flying....but I can now say I've done it.
3. I love mentoring younger women. It is what my heart beats for. It brings life to me. I am grateful for the things that God has taught me through my mistakes, trials, circumstances and heartache. I am so encouraged when I get to tell another.
I lived in a religious mindset for so many years that I am grateful that God has seen fit to break me free from the mold of religion. I have found a deep, intimate, passionate relationship with Him that has rocked my world. I am ruined for the ordinary.
4. I love the drums and have a djembe (gym-bay) drum that I have yet to learn to play. The girls in the Bible study group that I taught bought it for me. It is one of my desires to learn to play it, but I just don't have a clue where to start. I always wanted to be like Karen Carpenter and play the whole drum set. Maybe I'll be on the drums in heaven.
5. I like peanut butter and mayonaise sandwiches when I eat Chicken Noodle soup. I know it sounds quirky and my husband thinks it is gross, but you can't judge it until you try it. My mom taught me to eat them and I do love them. When not eating peanut butter my 2nd favorite thing on a peanut butter sandwich is potato chips. I know weird!
6. I love to dance. There is nothing more fun to me that getting out on the dance floor at a wedding with all the college kids and dancing the night away. Or better yet at the end of our women's retreat, pumping up the sound on the cd player and dancing with the women I have cried with, laughed with and played with. There's nothing like dancing with God to set your heart free.
Now I will tag some others:
Keep on Believing Bev is one of my new blogging friends. I am so grateful to find her.
The Morris Family Holly is a new friend and new blogger. I have been enjoying getting to know her.
2nd Cup of Coffee I just met Linda, but I think she is so funny and hip that I had to include her in the tag.
Karen's Ramblings I just met Karen a couple of days ago and she has been on a DTS with YWAM, like my daughter. She is one of the few people I have met who knows where Cuckfield, England is.
Girlfriends In God I just met Patty last week when I joined her "God Stop" Friday.
I know I was supposed to pick 6 people, but since I am new to blog world I am still getting to know people.
Blessings,
Jewelz
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The Ache of God
I am reading Lyric's blog, (Chrysallis Song), often and following along as she reads "The Beautiful Ache". The more I read her "blurbs", the more I think I'm going to have to buy that book. The concept is not new to me. I was first introduced to it with the teachings on Captivating by Stasi Eldredge back in 2003.
For many years of my life I didn't know I even had aches. I covered them up with busyness and service. I was a good "Martha". I knew how to work for God. In fact I would say I was the "Queen of Striving". For some unknown reason the message I got through "The Church" through the years was to work harder for God, to do all you can do." I remember the messages that said "If you love God you will put Him first by spending 30 minutes a day in the morning having a quiet time." For many years I lived that out...living in guilt if I missed a day, trying to rationalize with myself when it was an "evening" quiet time instead of the desired morning one. I was the busy, striving, performing Christian woman. I did not ache...there was no time for aching. I didn't even know they were there. But God knew.....
God's isolation is the opposite of our isolation. He pulls us away to be alone with us in order that He might reveal more of who He is. We, on the other hand, isolate to hide who we are. I was never one to isolate. I didn't like being alone with myself. I stayed caught up in serving, unaware of it's isolation. I was not isolated from people, but from from Me being alone with, Me. God called me away to the desert to speak tenderly to me. He knew that I was so far from being in touch with who I was and who He was, that He had to pull me away. He removed all friendships in various ways and it was just me with God. It's love that draws you into the desert, deep, intimate love. He allured me there to speak tenderly to me, to turn my door of Sorrow into a door of hope, to remove the title of Master and replace it with the title of Husband (Hosea 2:14-16)
Alone with my kids, my husband and God, unable to serve in any capacity, I began to come to terms with the lie I was living. I had spent so many years working, trying to earn God's favor when all along He just wanted, Me. I couldn't give Him me because I did not feel like I was enough for Him. I was the older brother in the Prodigal Son story, working out in the fields trying to earn entry into the Father's house, when all along the door was open wide, waiting for me to just walk in and be with the Him. In the desert, He showered His words on me and told me who He was and who I was to Him. Life turned a corner for me. I am not the same.
In the midst of the desert the aches began to rise up within me. For the first time that I can remember my heart was aching with longings and desires that almost took my breath away. Why did it have to hurt so much to awaken desire? What was I supposed to do with them now that they were awakened? As the aches came I began to identify with God's heart at a deeper level. Did He ache for me like I ached for intimate relationship with others? I ached to live in intimacy with friends. I longed for companions who knew my journey as I knew theirs. I still ache for that. Life seems to keep everyone running ragged, living life, doing all the "stuff" with no real time to go to deep places of the heart with others. Where is the time or energy for deep, heart relationships, you know where you really let people know your joys and struggles, where you are hurting.. It makes me ache. Does God ache for me like I ache for deep heart friendships?
Some days the aches are stronger than others. The loneliness I feel, as the longings unloosed in my heart are left unfulfilled, are days that I identify and connect a little deeper with the heartbeat of God inside. I realize just a bit more that this place is not my home and that life is not as He had longed for it to be for me. And in the midst of pain, loneliness, heartache, I am comforted. He knows, He sees, He understands. It's in the aches that I realize that those things I ache for, are the things He longs for too. The aches of God within are a powerful force to be reckoned with, not to run or hide from, No they are there to drive me into His arms where He waits to speak tenderly to me. Where He holds me close and tells me how His heart aches too.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. Hosea 2:14
Blessings,
Jewelz
For many years of my life I didn't know I even had aches. I covered them up with busyness and service. I was a good "Martha". I knew how to work for God. In fact I would say I was the "Queen of Striving". For some unknown reason the message I got through "The Church" through the years was to work harder for God, to do all you can do." I remember the messages that said "If you love God you will put Him first by spending 30 minutes a day in the morning having a quiet time." For many years I lived that out...living in guilt if I missed a day, trying to rationalize with myself when it was an "evening" quiet time instead of the desired morning one. I was the busy, striving, performing Christian woman. I did not ache...there was no time for aching. I didn't even know they were there. But God knew.....
God's isolation is the opposite of our isolation. He pulls us away to be alone with us in order that He might reveal more of who He is. We, on the other hand, isolate to hide who we are. I was never one to isolate. I didn't like being alone with myself. I stayed caught up in serving, unaware of it's isolation. I was not isolated from people, but from from Me being alone with, Me. God called me away to the desert to speak tenderly to me. He knew that I was so far from being in touch with who I was and who He was, that He had to pull me away. He removed all friendships in various ways and it was just me with God. It's love that draws you into the desert, deep, intimate love. He allured me there to speak tenderly to me, to turn my door of Sorrow into a door of hope, to remove the title of Master and replace it with the title of Husband (Hosea 2:14-16)
Alone with my kids, my husband and God, unable to serve in any capacity, I began to come to terms with the lie I was living. I had spent so many years working, trying to earn God's favor when all along He just wanted, Me. I couldn't give Him me because I did not feel like I was enough for Him. I was the older brother in the Prodigal Son story, working out in the fields trying to earn entry into the Father's house, when all along the door was open wide, waiting for me to just walk in and be with the Him. In the desert, He showered His words on me and told me who He was and who I was to Him. Life turned a corner for me. I am not the same.
In the midst of the desert the aches began to rise up within me. For the first time that I can remember my heart was aching with longings and desires that almost took my breath away. Why did it have to hurt so much to awaken desire? What was I supposed to do with them now that they were awakened? As the aches came I began to identify with God's heart at a deeper level. Did He ache for me like I ached for intimate relationship with others? I ached to live in intimacy with friends. I longed for companions who knew my journey as I knew theirs. I still ache for that. Life seems to keep everyone running ragged, living life, doing all the "stuff" with no real time to go to deep places of the heart with others. Where is the time or energy for deep, heart relationships, you know where you really let people know your joys and struggles, where you are hurting.. It makes me ache. Does God ache for me like I ache for deep heart friendships?
Some days the aches are stronger than others. The loneliness I feel, as the longings unloosed in my heart are left unfulfilled, are days that I identify and connect a little deeper with the heartbeat of God inside. I realize just a bit more that this place is not my home and that life is not as He had longed for it to be for me. And in the midst of pain, loneliness, heartache, I am comforted. He knows, He sees, He understands. It's in the aches that I realize that those things I ache for, are the things He longs for too. The aches of God within are a powerful force to be reckoned with, not to run or hide from, No they are there to drive me into His arms where He waits to speak tenderly to me. Where He holds me close and tells me how His heart aches too.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. Hosea 2:14
Blessings,
Jewelz
Monday, January 21, 2008
Can you see God's heart
Something I've discovered is that God often gives me glimpses into His heart through my own frustrations. Take for instance when a teenage daughter blames you for the anger in her heart. After all it's your fault that she feels the way she does. Somehow, somewhere you didn't do something....at least that's what she says. The words come flying out, "you don't care about me!" How could she think you don't care? You've spent years giving all you had to give for her, doesn't that count for something? The thing is in that moment of her life she is struggling to know that you care. Have you changed the way you feel about her? No, it's not you who has changed, it is what she is hearing and believing, something coming from inside her.
How often have I played that game with God? Circumstances come that bear down on us and I can hardly hold my head up. Where is God anyways? And how could He possibly care about me at that moment? The questions and doubts rise up and hit hard. Maybe He doesn't care about me. Maybe His absence in these circumstances is proof. Did God change? No, He is the same. He never changes. He has been there all of my life and before that even, caring for me.
Does He care? Is there some place that He has proven that He cares? Is there some word, some truth that I can call to mind? Does the cross mean anything? How many times does God have to prove to me that He cares? There is no greater sacrifice than Christ laying down His life for me. So, why do I accuse Him? Because I don't know inside myself that I am worth caring for. It's not about God. He is blameless. It's about ME.
Then it hits me, what I am doing with God is what my daughter does with me. It takes me to that place of never wanting to accuse Him again. If my heart is good towards my daughter ALWAYS, then there is not doubt that His heart is good towards me. It's not His heart that is in question. It is my beliefs...those lies buried underneath the surface that have been hidden, tucked away in a dark place.
Today one of my daughters came to me to talk to me of her own frustrations. She's made some bad decisions in her life that affected her. She's learned alot from them. Now younger girls are coming to her to talk and seek counsel. She warns them of the problems. After all she learned the hard way. She didn't listen to the warnings. They aren't listening. She's frustrated that they don't listen, yet she identifies that neither did she. We sat and talked awhile. God showed up. I told her that often during these times you can get a greater glimpse of God's heart. Could she get an idea of how God feels by what she is feeling? Does she see that He tries to warn people, but they don't listen? What does it do to His heart as He watches us make those choices that He knows will hurt us, ignoring the warnings? What are the treasures of God hidden in the dark places of this frustration?
She contemplates for a few minutes and then it hits her. God feels the same way she does. Her heart connects into that place of understanding and communion with God and the treasures begin to unfold for her.
Glimpses of God's heart in the midst of the darkness are riches stored in the secret places.
"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:3
Blessings,
Jewelz
How often have I played that game with God? Circumstances come that bear down on us and I can hardly hold my head up. Where is God anyways? And how could He possibly care about me at that moment? The questions and doubts rise up and hit hard. Maybe He doesn't care about me. Maybe His absence in these circumstances is proof. Did God change? No, He is the same. He never changes. He has been there all of my life and before that even, caring for me.
Does He care? Is there some place that He has proven that He cares? Is there some word, some truth that I can call to mind? Does the cross mean anything? How many times does God have to prove to me that He cares? There is no greater sacrifice than Christ laying down His life for me. So, why do I accuse Him? Because I don't know inside myself that I am worth caring for. It's not about God. He is blameless. It's about ME.
Then it hits me, what I am doing with God is what my daughter does with me. It takes me to that place of never wanting to accuse Him again. If my heart is good towards my daughter ALWAYS, then there is not doubt that His heart is good towards me. It's not His heart that is in question. It is my beliefs...those lies buried underneath the surface that have been hidden, tucked away in a dark place.
Today one of my daughters came to me to talk to me of her own frustrations. She's made some bad decisions in her life that affected her. She's learned alot from them. Now younger girls are coming to her to talk and seek counsel. She warns them of the problems. After all she learned the hard way. She didn't listen to the warnings. They aren't listening. She's frustrated that they don't listen, yet she identifies that neither did she. We sat and talked awhile. God showed up. I told her that often during these times you can get a greater glimpse of God's heart. Could she get an idea of how God feels by what she is feeling? Does she see that He tries to warn people, but they don't listen? What does it do to His heart as He watches us make those choices that He knows will hurt us, ignoring the warnings? What are the treasures of God hidden in the dark places of this frustration?
She contemplates for a few minutes and then it hits her. God feels the same way she does. Her heart connects into that place of understanding and communion with God and the treasures begin to unfold for her.
Glimpses of God's heart in the midst of the darkness are riches stored in the secret places.
"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:3
Blessings,
Jewelz
Saturday, January 19, 2008
GodStop
God stopped me short in my tracks as I watched my beautiful daughter go through security and out of my sight.
It was the fulfillment of prayers and dreams that her dad and I had had for years. She is my firstborn, four more
follow her. We have always taught our children to love missions. We've been a missions minded family. We always
knew that it was a possibility that our children would live overseas for a period of their lives. I grew up aware of
mission work. I remember when I was a little girl, my parents would have missionaries stay in our home. I can still
remember the words to "Jesus Loves Me" in an Asian language (I remember the song, but can't remember what language). I had such respect for those who would leave all the comforts of home and go out to tell others of His love. Now I am sending
one of my own.
From the time our Hannah was born we have prayed for her to follow God and to discover what He had called her into. It has
been our prayer that she know Him and love Him. In Proverbs it says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life". God fulfilled a longing and I can't wait to gaze upon that tree of life that emerges.
He heard my cry, He answered my prayers.
God stopped me on Thursday, my heart overflowing with tears of joy and sadness, and He touched ME.
"How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news."
Blessings,
Jewelz
Thursday, January 17, 2008
She's Off
We ended up leaving town last night after a quick dinner. As the snow came down and started blanketing the roads we figured we'd better pack up and head south to make sure we could get Hannah to the airport on time. After all, the weathermen were saying the temperatures were only going to drop. So at 9:00 we headed south to stay in a hotel. Funny, the weathermen were right about the snow, wrong about the dropping temperatures. The streets here at home were clear by morning. Go figure. It was kinda fun to have that last adventure before she left. Being a large family it's not often that we have had the luxury of staying in hotels. Seeing as we have to book 2 rooms just to hold us. It was fun calling my mom on the cell phone, getting her to log onto Hotwire to find us a good hotel for cheap rates,then showing up, unloading, and gathering in a room together. We got to read one more chapter of "The Shack" as a family before Hannah left town. It was nice to just relax and enjoy the last few hours with her.
At 3:30 she went through security and we headed home. As the tears poured out of my eyes, I couldn't be more thankful. What a beautiful testimony of God to see the road that God had taken her on. I remember her senior year (2005) when she talked of going on a DTS. It was to be Australia. At that point in her life she was pretty distracted by a relationship she was in. Though David and I encouraged her to follow this call on her heart, she lost sight of it. We left it with God. Two years later, God brought her back around to it.
When she first started considering it again she wasn't sure how she would get there. She couldn't fathom being able to raise that much money. Living in Atlanta on an income that barely covered her bills, she knew she couldn't make it happen. So we began to pray. And God raised up people who wanted to send her..... It was amazing to watch as it all unfolded. It gave me a new picture of God's pursuit of our hearts and how He relentlessly goes after us until we hear His whispers, and then He takes us into those places that He had set aside for us to go. Not only does He take us in, but He raises up all that will be needed to cover us.
David and I couldn't be happier for Hannah. We KNOW in our hearts that this is where He has wanted her to go. We encouraged her in 2005 to go. God had to get her there. She had to fall down and let Him pick her back up. Even though you KNOW it is right and good, the emotions are still there.
As I write this the tears are pouring down my face. They are tears of rejoicing mixed with tears of letting go. For those of you who have not had children leave it will be hard to fully understand. One day you will know. For those who have let a child go far away enough to not be able to see them quickly, well, you know. Your head knows, your heart knows this is right and good, the way it was always meant to be... but your emotions, well they're another story.
I feel the loss of one that has been so close moving on so far away. The time has come for my "little chick" to fly. Though she has moved out twice and moved back twice, this is different. I can't just pick up the phone and call her. She won't be an hour's drive away. I won't see her (except through my webcam...Thank God for technology) for 5 months. In that 5 month period her heart will be changed, her life will be changed. She will find her life in ways that I have longed for her to find it. And I won't be there to watch..... You mothers understand, I know you do.
The tears have been flowing all afternoon. Thank God I was able to hold the "ugly cry" until after I got in the car. She saw the tears rolling down my face as I hugged her goodbye and told her how proud I was of her for following, God and for following her heart.
She's in the air as I write this....the tears are still flowing. Bitter/sweet tears as I learn to let go once again, trusting her into the hands of the One who loves her perfectly.
You love them, you nurture them, you teach them and then you let them go. It is as it should be. I'm glad the tears are flowing...it let's me know I'm alive! : )
"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5
Blessings,
Julie
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Letting Go With Grace
I remember when it came time to stop nursing my firstborn. It was the first opportunity I had to allow my child to not need me. Though I knew it was time, there were emotions that rose up, a type sadness crept in as I said goodbye to a precious season of comfort and intimacy. My daughter was no longer an infant. She had entered the stage of "toddlerhood". It's funny how it all works out. You know in your head that it is the right move for your children to let them go, but there's a tug of war that goes on in your heart.
Years progressed and there were more opportunities to let go. Leaving her with her grandparents for the first time overnight, spend the night times with friends, going in a car with someone other than her dad or I. All these moments were natural moments that were part of living and letting go.
When she was 12 years old she went on her first outreach. Three weeks away from home, though not out of the city, my daughter embarked on her first youth missions trip. They went into the inner city of Atlanta to tell the kids there about Jesus through performances and songs. It was another monumental time of allowing my daughter to stretch her wings a little in preparation for the day when she would move into who she was created to be. She thrived in this environment. I remember I wrote her a card for every day of those 3 weeks to open and read from me. I wanted my heart to go with her.
The teenage years brought on another type of letting go. This time it was behind a vehicle that could not only kill her, but another, if not handled properly. I will never forget that first day when she drove off by herself to work. I sat waiting for the phone call that said, "I'm here, and I'm safe." You know you never stop being concerned for your child's safety, you just learn to trust God with it all.
Not long after that, came graduation and entering into legal adulthood. No longer a child, I had to let her become an adult. In some ways this stage wasn't as hard as the other stages. She was ready. She needed to be set free to live in the responsibility and freedom. She needed to be her own person, following her own dreams.
Soon after becoming an adult she decided to move into an apartment with another co-worker. I didn't expect the emotions to be as strong as they were. After all she was only going to be 30 minutes away. I hugged her goodbye, got in the car and drove home with my husband after moving her things in. It was a helpless feeling that came over me. I realized at that point that I could no longer protect her. She was no longer under my care. She was on her own. Would she be OK? Would she be safe? Would she follow God? Had I taught her enough? Had I done enough to prepare her? Fears, questions, and doubts rose up within me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. My little girl was all grown up. She was moving on to live her own life. I cried like a baby. I grieved the loss, it was part of the process of letting go.
Now 2 1/2 years later she will begin the largest adventure of her life. In 3 days she will fly across the ocean for a 5 month missions trip, a YWAM Discipleship Training School. She has always been within an hour from home. I have seen her almost every weekend for years. I will not see her for 5 months. I cannot call her at a moment's notice. What will it be like to have one who was carried close to my heart so far away? How will it be not to hear her voice throughout the day.
It is time to let her go. She is going after God. What more could a mother desire? I know it is good and right, but my heart aches. My baby is going to spread her wings and I won't be there to witness it.
All of her life has been leading up to this. I always knew this was a possibility. She had talked of missions work as a young child, wanting to be a veterinarian missionary, who cared for the people's animals while she told them about Jesus. Yes, she was a very creative child.....still is.
As we stood worshipping in church out of the corner of my eyes I saw her surrendering her life to be a beautiful display of God to others. With my hand upon her head and my heart praying her release, God came, for both of us. We held each other close, she wept, tears filled my eyes as I tried to retain some composure, for fear I would surely cry the "ugly cry" in a room full of people.
You know no one told me about this part. I mean I knew that you let go and everything. After all I don't live with my parents anymore. I left home... So I know it is a natural part of life. But I never knew it hurt like it does.... In just a blink of an eye, time has moved in warp speed and those little ones are leaving home to live their own lives. I didn't know when I had toddlers that life would move into warp speed.
The emotions are lying underneath the surface. I can feel them. I know they are waiting..... another time of grieving and rejoicing is on the horizon. Another opportunity of letting go.
May I let go with grace, Papa, like you do.
"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." II Corinthians 9:8
Jewelz
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
When God Outruns You
A few years ago my husband was in the midst of a job transition. It was a time where we were learning to trust God in ways we had not been challenged in before. There were so many things coming at us during this time. I found myself wondering and questioning, "what if we miss God's voice." Could we miss Him? We were desperately seeking Him and His plan for our lives. Could we somehow not hear Him when He spoke? Could we end up going the wrong way because we didn't listen?
God decided to give me a picture to hold onto. It was a God sighting that has been seared into the depths of my mind.
My husband and I were sitting at the desk looking at something on the computer when my son came into the hallway and went out the door. My husband immediately called my son's name. He had something he wanted to tell him, but my son didn't hear him. He wasn't listening. David called him again. Again, no respone. This time he got up and walked to the door and called Josiah's name. Once again, Josiah didn't hear him. Finally, my husband walked out the door, and down the driveway after my son, calling his name UNTIL he heard. My son finally heard his dad's voice, and turned to listen. My husband told him what he had to tell him, and returned to his seat at the computer.
In a moment's time God began to speak to me. The conversation went something like this; "Julie, did you see that?" "Did you see how David called out to Josiah, repeatedly?" "Did you see how Josiah wasn't listening?" "Did you see how David did not give up?" "He pursued Josiah UNTIL he heard him?" "Yes, Papa, I saw." "That is how I am with you, Julie." "Don't worry about missing my voice." "I will come after you until you hear me." "Just like David wouldn't let Josiah go on until He told him what he needed to tell him, I won't let you." "Rest in knowing that I will not stop until you hear my voice." "Put that worry aside, dear one." "I will come after you."
I saw God that day in a way that changed me forever.
I hope you see Him too.
"He leads me in paths of righteousness for His own name's sake." Psalm 23:3
Blessings,
Jewelz
God decided to give me a picture to hold onto. It was a God sighting that has been seared into the depths of my mind.
My husband and I were sitting at the desk looking at something on the computer when my son came into the hallway and went out the door. My husband immediately called my son's name. He had something he wanted to tell him, but my son didn't hear him. He wasn't listening. David called him again. Again, no respone. This time he got up and walked to the door and called Josiah's name. Once again, Josiah didn't hear him. Finally, my husband walked out the door, and down the driveway after my son, calling his name UNTIL he heard. My son finally heard his dad's voice, and turned to listen. My husband told him what he had to tell him, and returned to his seat at the computer.
In a moment's time God began to speak to me. The conversation went something like this; "Julie, did you see that?" "Did you see how David called out to Josiah, repeatedly?" "Did you see how Josiah wasn't listening?" "Did you see how David did not give up?" "He pursued Josiah UNTIL he heard him?" "Yes, Papa, I saw." "That is how I am with you, Julie." "Don't worry about missing my voice." "I will come after you until you hear me." "Just like David wouldn't let Josiah go on until He told him what he needed to tell him, I won't let you." "Rest in knowing that I will not stop until you hear my voice." "Put that worry aside, dear one." "I will come after you."
I saw God that day in a way that changed me forever.
I hope you see Him too.
"He leads me in paths of righteousness for His own name's sake." Psalm 23:3
Blessings,
Jewelz
Sunday, January 6, 2008
I saw God today
I saw the most endearing thing in church today. There is a sweet young couple that sits in the same place each Sunday. They are fairly new to the church. The husband had found us online and had been following the church for some time. He finally decided they should attend so they started coming. They are both rather quiet, though I believe she is more quiet than he is. They have a little girl about 3 or 4 years old. She's a beautiful petite woman. She came to our women's Christmas dinner and you could tell that it was a bit much for her. Yet she faced her fear and came amongst women she barely knew. My heart was drawn to her and the quiet, gentle spirit within.
Today they sat right in front of us, two rows up. As we stood in worship the husband was holding his daughter in his arms. We were singing a song about wanting "with all our hearts to worship God", Out of the corner of my eye I saw this beautiful woman, weeping. Overcome with emotion, she turned to her husband and buried her head in his side. She began to melt in the safety of his arms as they encircled about her, holding her close while she wept. All three of them clung together, just holding each other. It was a picture of the Trinity, three huddled together in intimate relationship. As the music played on, the husband grasped her hand and they knelt together at their seats and he prayed. It was so touching that that tears began to well up in my eyes as well. How sweet, how tender. What a beautiful, intimate display of love.
And then it hit me. It was a picture. As I watched the compassion, tenderness and protection of this man with his wife, I realized that that is Christ with me.
Today a picture was seared in my heart and mind. Christ as my husband is endeared to me with a heart of compassion, tenderness and protection. As I come to Him and melt in His arms, He gathers me up, clinging to me as I cling to Him. As we kneel there together, He carries me up to the Father with words that lift me up in intercession before the throne of the one who loves me forever.
A woman's response in worship was a God sighting for me today.
Beauty unveiled in the heart of a woman brought life to my heart.
May it bring beauty to your life today.
"A cord of three strands is not easily broken" Ecclesiastes 4:12b
Jewelz
Today they sat right in front of us, two rows up. As we stood in worship the husband was holding his daughter in his arms. We were singing a song about wanting "with all our hearts to worship God", Out of the corner of my eye I saw this beautiful woman, weeping. Overcome with emotion, she turned to her husband and buried her head in his side. She began to melt in the safety of his arms as they encircled about her, holding her close while she wept. All three of them clung together, just holding each other. It was a picture of the Trinity, three huddled together in intimate relationship. As the music played on, the husband grasped her hand and they knelt together at their seats and he prayed. It was so touching that that tears began to well up in my eyes as well. How sweet, how tender. What a beautiful, intimate display of love.
And then it hit me. It was a picture. As I watched the compassion, tenderness and protection of this man with his wife, I realized that that is Christ with me.
Today a picture was seared in my heart and mind. Christ as my husband is endeared to me with a heart of compassion, tenderness and protection. As I come to Him and melt in His arms, He gathers me up, clinging to me as I cling to Him. As we kneel there together, He carries me up to the Father with words that lift me up in intercession before the throne of the one who loves me forever.
A woman's response in worship was a God sighting for me today.
Beauty unveiled in the heart of a woman brought life to my heart.
May it bring beauty to your life today.
"A cord of three strands is not easily broken" Ecclesiastes 4:12b
Jewelz
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
A Wrong Turn
You know what I love about God? I love that you cannot fail with Him. He doesn't see the things we do as failures. There are NO failures with God, only mistakes. And mistakes can always be made right. Mistakes are those things in our lives that are supposed to be our teachers. They don't determine who we are or what we are made of. They are the things that enlighten us as to what's right, wrong, good, and bad. When you make a wrong turn in this road of life, it is only a wrong turn when you don't go back and make the right turn.
Christmas night we were on our way home and my husband took a wrong turn. It wasn't intentional, he just read the sign wrong. Fifteen minutes down the road we began to notice things we had never seen before and realized we were headed in the wrong direction. Had we continued we would not have ended up anywhere near home. It was the wrong way. It would not lead us to where we wanted to go. So, we turned around and headed back the right way. It was no big deal really, it just cost us a few minutes.
That's how it is with God. When we make the wrong turns in our lives, it's an opportunity to realize that unless we turn around we won't end up where we want to go. The detour may have cost us something, we may lose some time, but it's not a irreparable loss. Unless we don't turn back, Ever. I don't think God sits around focused on the wrong turn we make. I think He's just happy to see us back on the path that leads to life. It's not God that condemns us, punishes us or chastises us
for the wrong turn. It is another voice. The voice of the enemy, the voice of ourselves. God covers everything with His grace....even the wrong turns in life.
What is it you tell yourself when you make a mistake? What you tell yourself is what you will believe. Often when I make mistakes I will find myself saying "you are so stupid". Am I really stupid? No, of course not, I just made a wrong judgment. I'm learning to catch myself and tell myself the truth. I am learning to cover myself with grace.
Joel: 2:13 "Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity."
I love that about God!
Jewelz
Christmas night we were on our way home and my husband took a wrong turn. It wasn't intentional, he just read the sign wrong. Fifteen minutes down the road we began to notice things we had never seen before and realized we were headed in the wrong direction. Had we continued we would not have ended up anywhere near home. It was the wrong way. It would not lead us to where we wanted to go. So, we turned around and headed back the right way. It was no big deal really, it just cost us a few minutes.
That's how it is with God. When we make the wrong turns in our lives, it's an opportunity to realize that unless we turn around we won't end up where we want to go. The detour may have cost us something, we may lose some time, but it's not a irreparable loss. Unless we don't turn back, Ever. I don't think God sits around focused on the wrong turn we make. I think He's just happy to see us back on the path that leads to life. It's not God that condemns us, punishes us or chastises us
for the wrong turn. It is another voice. The voice of the enemy, the voice of ourselves. God covers everything with His grace....even the wrong turns in life.
What is it you tell yourself when you make a mistake? What you tell yourself is what you will believe. Often when I make mistakes I will find myself saying "you are so stupid". Am I really stupid? No, of course not, I just made a wrong judgment. I'm learning to catch myself and tell myself the truth. I am learning to cover myself with grace.
Joel: 2:13 "Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity."
I love that about God!
Jewelz
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
The Old is Gone, The New Has Come
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come. II Corinthians 5:17.
Out with the old, and in with the new. The year has passed, a new year is upon us.
One of my favorite quotes I heard on a tape I was listening to is; "there are no longer good days and bad days, all are days of grace." "Some days you are given the grace to endure and some days you are given the grace to enjoy."
Last year was a year where more days than not I was given the grace to endure. I am glad to see a new dawn of a new year.
Seven is the number of completion, Eight is the number of new beginnings. Here at the beginning of a new year I am thankful for what has been completed in me. This year I have learned that if I do not love myself I will never be able to love others. It is what I believe and tell myself that I will live. God's love can and does flow into me, but it will never flow out of me totally until I learn to love myself as He loves me. I am anticipating a new beginning for the year ahead.
The old has gone, 2007, the new has come, 2008. May this be the year when I truly begin to grasp that the old me was crucified and now the new me, Christ in me, has come. May it be a year when the reality that Christ exchanged His life for mine is understood more fully and lived more deeply. I no longer have to live, He will live through me. The old lies, messages and beliefs of who I was are removed.. Now may the new truth of who God has created me, who I truly am, be revealed, fully.
2008, the year of new beginnings. May it be so, may it be so.
Jewelz
Out with the old, and in with the new. The year has passed, a new year is upon us.
One of my favorite quotes I heard on a tape I was listening to is; "there are no longer good days and bad days, all are days of grace." "Some days you are given the grace to endure and some days you are given the grace to enjoy."
Last year was a year where more days than not I was given the grace to endure. I am glad to see a new dawn of a new year.
Seven is the number of completion, Eight is the number of new beginnings. Here at the beginning of a new year I am thankful for what has been completed in me. This year I have learned that if I do not love myself I will never be able to love others. It is what I believe and tell myself that I will live. God's love can and does flow into me, but it will never flow out of me totally until I learn to love myself as He loves me. I am anticipating a new beginning for the year ahead.
The old has gone, 2007, the new has come, 2008. May this be the year when I truly begin to grasp that the old me was crucified and now the new me, Christ in me, has come. May it be a year when the reality that Christ exchanged His life for mine is understood more fully and lived more deeply. I no longer have to live, He will live through me. The old lies, messages and beliefs of who I was are removed.. Now may the new truth of who God has created me, who I truly am, be revealed, fully.
2008, the year of new beginnings. May it be so, may it be so.
Jewelz
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